The author published 16 new chapters the past couple of days after a month of inactivity https://ncode.syosetu.com/n0358dh/ Happy New Year
Chapter 123 Iris’s monologue
After Tanya prepared my bed for me, I lay down for a bit.
And then after she left, I went to the balcony.
Although it was a bit unseemly, it should be fine at night…at least that’s what I told myself.
I gazed at the night sky, and looked at the street.
It was quite dark. I couldn’t make much out.
It was the darkness of a world without electricity.
But even that kind of darkness made me happy.
“…a wish that I can’t abandon, hm? Like an idiot…”
I clenched my jaw…but still I couldn’t hold back the ugly tears. It was only because I didn’t have to worry about being seen by others that I could allow an expression like that onto my face.
My whispers echoed, then dissipated in the darkness.
More and more tears flowed down my face.
With the tears came the sobs that I tried my hardest to hold back.
…I wasn’t ignoring what Tanya said.
It was actually the opposite.
Tanya’s words were a signal to me.
Sleeping deep within my heart was….a wish that I couldn’t abandon.
I was the idiot.
I had encountered painful, awful experiences, and the emotions that should have been locked away spilled out so easily.
I had realized it. Even though I pretended I hadn’t.
I made up excuses, even lied to my own heart.
If I could just face myself, it would be easy.
Why did I rely on him, flirt with him?
Who did I reveal my pains and my emotions to?
Why did I get so deep into the trenches of ugly jealousy?
It was because even though my heart understood everything, my mind had stopped thinking.
But I…could not fail any more.
What I might lose was of too much importance.
The people following me, my territory. And the people who lived on this land.
Facing all of this, I felt that I was turning back into the idiotic self of my past. Thinking about the desperation of being betrayed…made me so scared.
I don’t want that.
Uncertain things that I couldn’t confirm with my eyes, things that I was powerless against–why would I chase after them like this?
Although I was so afraid, there was also an intense emotion in my heart, waiting to erupt.
Trying to say it made my heart drop to the ground with a thud.
I hadn’t said that in front of him.
Because my yearning would never come true.
A love that went past identities, a story that was more like a dream.
Cinderella was also a noble.
Yuri was also a duke’s daughter.
That’s why I didn’t tell him.
…I couldn’t throw away all that was so important to me.
So I hid my true feelings again.
And then, looked away.
Tomorrow, my smile would be the same as always.