Chapter 46 Argument
Ren Zhouyuan was annoyed. They were doing something fun in bed, but he was thinking about something else. Leonid’s yearning only made him more agitated.
They ended the session with Leonid hugging him, the two of them collapsing while they panted. After a moment, Leonid grabbed his face. “What’s going on? You were losing focus there.”
Frowning slightly, Ren Zhouyuan pushed his hand away, thinking about how impressive it was that he could finish even while thinking of something else.
Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and sat up, grabbing his clothes off the chair and putting it back on as he said, “I’ve been tired recently, so let’s stop doing it.”
The moment he heard this, Leonid came closer, asking him with glowing eyes where he was having pain.
Glancing at him, Ren Zhouyuan was only more annoyed. “Why are you happy that I’m feeling bad?”
Coughing drily, Leonid rubbed his nose. He paused then reached for Ren Zhouyuan’s waist before moving his hand toward his stomach, rubbing softly. “Does it hurt here?”
Ren Zhouyuan slapped his hand away, glaring at him with warning intention. He didn’t know if it was him imagining things or not, but he felt like Leonid was acting weirdly tonight.
Putting on his clothes, he walked into the bathroom and took a quick shower. When he came out again, he noticed Leonid’s gaze hadn’t strayed from him.
When he came back to bed planning to lay down, Leonid’s big hands touched down on his stomach.
The questions piling up in his heart, Ren Zhouyuan turned over in bed. Instead of hugging him like usual, Leonid kept his hand on his stomach.
He would’ve been blind if he couldn’t tell what was going on right here.
Sitting up quickly, he glared at Leonid with shock and rage in his eyes. Realizing something was wrong, Leonid sat up too, his hands wrapping around him to protect him, but they were slapped away.
“What did you do?” Ren Zhouyuan tried to suppress his rage, but his words trembled.
Leonid finally realized that he was being too obvious, so he just returned the gaze in silence. Although he thought Ren Zhouyuan might be mad, he didn’t expect him to be so angry.
Seeing he wasn’t going to say anything, Ren Zhouyuan walked to the drawer by the bedside and pulled it open, taking out the birth control pills and condoms and spilling them on the bed.
He inspected them one by one, his hands trembling with each new one he examined. Finally when he was opening the pill bottle he almost couldn’t get it open. Leonid reached over to press on his hand and he shook it away, shaking the pills out and licking one of them before sweeping everything on the floor.
Grabbing Leonid by the collar, his eyes were filled with disbelief, rage burning so strongly in his body that he almost couldn’t breathe.
Leonid had never seen him so angry before. Unconsciously he still reached out to hold up him, his hands around his waist as he supported his body.
“How dare you, how dare you?” Ren Zhouyuan never thought Leonid would do something so disgusting. Poking holes in the condoms and swapping out his pills, making him believe that he was avoiding pregnancy each time when in fact Leonid must’ve been laughing at this whole thing.
His eyes turned red and his lips trembled as he accused Leonid.
Leonid was feeling a little awkward. He knew he wasn’t using the best methods, but he felt that his initial standpoint was not wrong.
He looked into Ren Zhouyuan’s seething gaze without trying to explain for himself. When the moment of highest tension passed, he reached out to pat him on the back.
Ren Zhouyuan slapped his hand aside. He reached out once again only to be slapped aside once more. It wasn’t until Ren Zhouyuan glared at him again that he managed to extend a hand and grab him into his arms, keeping him there no matter how hard he struggled.
“You don’t want another one?” Leonid said softly.
Hearing this, Ren Zhouyuan felt the anger rising inside of him. With his elbows pressed against Leonid’s chest, he expended all of his energy to push him away. “I said I didn’t want one now! You said that was okay!”
Leonid raised his brow. “What’s your reason for not wanting another one?”
“I’ve said it before! I think it’s the wrong time. Have you considered I don’t want to have a child? I’m a man, not a woman! An An was an accident. If you treat me as nothing more than a machine for reproduction,” His heart stuttered as he took two deep breaths, finally saying it out loud, “Then we should part ways.”
His face growing serious, Leonid’s arms around him grew tighter. “I’ve never treated you as a woman. Not in the past, not now either. No matter whether or not we have An An or regardless of your reproductive abilities, I can never let you go.”
Ren Zhouyuan laughed coldly. “Is that so?” His expression was mocking. “But why are you doing this then? You don’t treat me as a woman or a reproductive machine, but you use these underhanded techniques to force me to become pregnant? Without An An I’m nothing to you. We wouldn’t have encountered each other again and you wouldn’t remember. To you I was just ‘AnYi’, a funny memory. Without that, I’m just a regular employee!”
“I should thank this irregular body of mine. Without this and without An An, you’d be with another woman, having a regular family and home life without forcing yourself to deal with me, forcing yourself to negotiate with someone you don’t even like!”
Saying everything he wanted to say, Ren Zhouyuan sighed and looked away. He didn’t want to see how his words had called out Leonid, despite the fact that he was clearly guessing at his intentions with the worst of motives. Deep down, he hoped that this was only pointless venting on his side.
Leonid didn’t know what to say now. He felt like no matter what he said it would come out wrong, that he wouldn’t be listened to.
From a long time ago he never held back when speaking to Ren Zhouyuan, expressing his affection for Ren Zhouyuan and An An through his actions. But today he realized that all of that was a waste.
He released his hands, saying with disappointment, “You were never willing to believe me?”
Ren Zhouyuan paused, saying nothing.
“I said I fell in love at first sight with you, that I was looking for you all these years. I’ve done so much for you and you still think I’m forcing myself to be with you?”
Leonid’s voice carried a hint of self-mockery. Ren Zhouyuan turned his head away just enough to miss the disappointment and hurt in his eyes.
“I thought An An was a product of our union, his existence serving as a commemoration of our first time meeting, our first time together.” He paused. “But you don’t seem to think that way.”
“I missed your pregnancy, missed his birth, missed the first time he called Daddy, and the little moments where he grew up. That’s why I want another child. I want to make up for not participating in his childhood the first time, and I want to be by your side while you nurse another one. This time I want to participate from beginning to end. Is that so wrong?”
Probably due to how sad his tone was, Ren Zhouyuan’s anger was diminished. But no matter how moving his words were, thinking about what he had done made Ren Zhouyuan unable to forgive Leonid.
Sensing what he was thinking, Leonid stated, “I admit that my methods were bad, but I don’t think my original intent was wrong. You said that three people aren’t a family but what about four, five? I want you to be pregnant not for the child in your stomach, but because you’re the one carrying the pregnancy.”
Ren Zhouyuan felt like he was about to forgive him. But thinking about his family made his suppressed anger flare up again. He didn’t forget that they were coming but Leonid had no plans to bring him to see them and had some kind of “female companion” instead.
Perhaps just like he said, Leonid had feelings for him. But what did feelings mean? Today there was a female companion. At the end of the day to appease Leonid’s family he and An An were going to be thrown aside. If he’d known this would be the result earlier on he wouldn’t have asked for any more children just to increase his current disappointment.
“Your words are so pretty. Almost pretty enough to deceive me into thinking that we have a future together.” He said numbly. “But everything you do makes me suspect that I’m not in that future.”
The two sank into silence. Even Leonid, who was always able to argue back, could find nothing to say back in his exhaustion.
If their future consisted of one person pulling ahead and the other walking in place, they would only grow further from each other.
Feeling that they had reached a stalled point, Leonid spoke up again. “Let’s quit talking about it for now. After we’re calm we can talk about it again.”
The early nights of winter were cold. But no matter how cold it was, it was no colder than two wounded hearts.