99 Part 2
Hearing this made Song Yiming ache at heart. So his actions beforehand were really bothering his lover after all? He should’ve thought of a way to suppress his dark side, even though it seemed impossible.
“I’m happy, not because you suppressed your temper and didn’t sabotage this effort,” Su Yu stared deep into Song Yiming’s eyes without blinking, “I’m happy because I feel like you finally trust me completely.”
His heart speeding up, Song Yiming’s voice was trembling. “I’ve always trusted you. I trust you completely.”
“I know you think so, but you didn’t.” Su Yu’s fingers drew circles on Song Yiming’s back, not in an attempt to seduce him. He saw how tense his lover’s body was and couldn’t help but feel bad for him. “You don’t want me to know about your dark side because you’re afraid of hurting me, even though it’s part of you. But sometimes you can’t control your emotions, right?”
Wanting to open his mouth and deny it, Song Yiming couldn’t speak a single word. Instead he pressed his lips together hard. He was panicking, the suppressed part inside his heart telling him over and over again that he might lose the most important part of his life.
Just like each time his lover spoke to others, smiled at others, Song Yiming felt like they would steal away his one and only treasure. So he had to lock down his lover, never allowing those people to have their way.
He kept telling himself that these thoughts were wrong, that they would hurt Su Yu, but it didn’t work. Those dark thoughts kept emerging, leaving him no place to hide.
Messy thoughts congregated in his head, his heart bitter and sore. He reached for Su Yu’s arm instinctively, his voice low and dry. “Are you going to leave me?”
Su Yu sighed internally. Of course he could tell what kind of struggle and helplessness his lover was going through. His original plan was to just wait for a while and let time heal these things. But what he discovered was that with his lover’s personality if he let things develop naturally it wouldn’t lead to the most perfect happy ending (of course, it would still be better than it would’ve without him there).
Some things are imprinted in your bones, in your blood. You know those thoughts are too dark to see the light, but it’s impossible to control or erase them. The more you want to suppress them, the more they emerge.
If it were anyone else, Su Yu would probably have kicked them into the stratosphere by now. He didn’t have anything against people harboring dark emotions, but it was no excuse to hurt others.
But dealing with Song Yiming, his lover, he couldn’t exert that part of his personality. He couldn’t bear to.
So the violence he would’ve retaliated with in the first place became what was binding him, holding him back. “Of course not. I’m saying that I was happy because you trust me enough to transform, to hold back.”
Staring at Su Yu without blinking, Song Yiming seemed like he was trying to engrave his lover into his bones, but also afraid he would suddenly disappear.
“But after I was happy, I actually felt sad,” Su Yu leaned his head against his lover’s shoulder, murmuring, “I was thinking, if you don’t want me to speak to others I’ll only look at you in the future. That way you’ll no longer struggle or feel sad? To me, the whole world is nothing compared to a glance from you. As long as you’re happy, I can do anything for you.”
In that moment, Song Yiming’s heart leapt into his throat. That intense beating almost overtook him. Soon after, however, he experienced sadness after that short joy.
He was the one in the wrong, the one who should change. No matter what angle you took, Shuo was the victim in this scenario, who should feel outraged, impatient, perhaps even want to abandon him. But now he said…the whole world was nothing compared to a glance from him?
For the first time, Song Yiming experienced a sore feeling in his eyes. He should feel surprised, excited, satisfied, and he did. But within all that satisfaction was written a deep bitterness.
Swapping his lover’s well-deserved freedom for his own mistaken obsessiveness? What kind of exchange was that?
“Of course it isn’t an exchange, I just love and completely trust you so any sacrifice is okay and even makes me happy.” Yeah right. If it wasn’t to break through his lover’s defense line and reconstruct an intimate connection between the two, he would never say something so sentimental and submissive. Su Yu thought this to himself, but remained genuine on the surface. “No matter what you want me to do, I’ll do it.”
The moment Su Yu finished his sentence, he heard a snort from the distance. Glancing over, he saw the ball flashing with red light, emitting a light signal for emergency.
Su Yu’s lips twitched. So the ball, who was a high intelligence entity, could spit things out like that. Even though it looked quite…suggestive, it was still funny.
“No!” Voice trembling, Song Yiming interrupted Su Yu’s stray thoughts. Not just his voice, his whole body was shaking slightly, so tense it seemed like he would snap. “I would never treat you like that!”